My Child Is Advanced

My child is surprisingly advanced for his age. It’s nothing we’ve done, apart from obviously we enrolled him in Kumon aged 4 months, taught him phonics whilst still in the womb and had Darcey Bussell herself teaching him ballet since before he could walk (which he could do incredibly early, obviously). Like I say, natural, unbridled intelligence, maturity and – dare I say it – genius runs through his blood and out through his ability to recite the two times table in welsh (one of the languages in which he fluent).

You don’t believe me?

Some particular examples:

Sleep

He sleeps like an adult. He wants to stay up late watching TV, reading and chatting and generally being irritating. He takes, at best, a Grandad nap during the day – 10 minutes on the sofa is fine by him. Ahead of his time, for sure.

Attitude

He tantrums like a child at least twice his age. See: advanced. He gets angry because there is a teeny tiny speckle of porridge on his arm or because he can’t be simultaneously held and walk. His brain is obviously developing at quite a pace.

Play

Toys? No thank you. My son is so advanced that his toys of choice are: iPhone, hair dryer, necklaces, any dangerous gardening equipment and various complicated installations of dining chairs in inappropriate places. Massively ahead of the curve, that lad.

Language

Not only does my son have a thorough grasp of the English language (what do you mean every single vehicle isn’t a ‘race car’? pah.) he also has developed his own brilliant language that is sure to be used world over once he’s finished writing the manual. So we now all, as a family, refer to a drink as a gok, an apple as a poopah and a strawberry as a boobah. Not to mention hot (fuff) and cold (coy). The whole family is embracing his clear intellect and it definitely has nothing to do with the sheer relief of being able to kind of communicate with an angry toddler.

Interest in biology

Amongst his first actual words were poo poo and wee wee. Before being able to properly say Mummy or Daddy. This boy knows where his interests lie. I have notified the relevant exam boards that he will be taking his GCSE’s pretty damn early. Our daughter still doesn’t see these important biological bodily excretions as important to talk about so I figure my son is far ahead of his years in this respect too.

I could go on, but I wouldn’t like to embarrass anyone who doesn’t have quite such a special child.