I’m a mother.
I have responsibilities.
I have some questions.
A few weeks ago I was given a lipstick free with some other make up, I have never worn lipstick, not even for my wedding. I always thought it makes me look like an 80s throwback (like earrings, which I also never wear) but I put it on and it actually looked ok. Then I went and bought another one and all of a sudden I wear lipstick. It always felt like lipstick was a ‘mum’ thing – whatever that means it got me thinking about other mum things and suddenly I have a lot of questions.
1) When will I have a well stocked fridge?
I remember going to people’s houses when I was younger and they seemed to just have stuff in their fridge available to just cook and eat. I can’t remember home being exactly like that ever but I wonder if this level of organisation is something you just have or not. Will there be a day when my fridge will just be well stocked?
2) When do you get a ‘nice’ car?
My husband has as much interest in cars as he does in the women’s hygiene aisle in the supermarket so it’s no surprise that we’ve never really had a good car. He only started driving two years ago so it’s kind of always been my domain. My strategy has always been to get the absolute cheapest car we can for what we need. Living where we live I do feel that other people judge us on our 1998 Scenic, especially since I reversed into a post and the boot only just closes. So is there a time when you actually have a change in mindset and commit real money to a car – or the unthinkable in this household – a car each?! See also: is there a time when you decide that keeping the car clean is a priority?!!
3) When will I like gardening?
I like my garden to look neat (ish) the grass needs to be cut and most weeds removed. I even plant the odd flower but I have absolute zero interest in it. Gardens are places to play – and if you think I’m just talking about the children then you’re wrong. I like nothing more than making up games that I can win in the garden.
4) When will I have a well stocked wine rack?
I’ve always wanted a lovely wine rack with lots of choice. The problem here is this: I am like a teenager, if there is wine in the house I’ll drink it a lot quicker than if I have to go to the shop and buy it. We used to have a delivery of wine each month before we had kids and we had people over a lot to eat – it cost a fortune and we drank a lot. So when does one become sensible about these things?!
5) When will I wear fake tan without looking weird and when will I know how to stand in photos?
Some women appear in photos to be tanned and standing in poses that kind of look preplanned. My interest in fake tan begins and ends with the two spray tans I’ve ever had – I’ve kind of liked the effect but after a few days it looks kind of dirty and I’m sure my stretch marks are stained forever (sexy). The posing for photos thing – did I miss that class at school?! HOW DO YOU KNOW HOW TO STAND AT THIS ANGLE WITH YOUR ARMS DOING THAT THING??!! I know how to stand up, that’s where my posing skills end. I’m baffled. Is this something that will come to me with time?! Or am I destined to be slouched and pale in all photos forever?
6) When will I start choosing sensible clothes for my children?
I can’t help feeling that if I had the answers to these questions, and perhaps wore a fleece, the other Mum’s in the playground would talk to me rather than looking quizzically in my direction as I stand awkwardly shovelling biscuits into my oddly dressed child?!