He arrived. At long last he arrived. My son. Our second child. Joni’s little brother.
Emotionally and physically this pregnancy has been harder than I imagined it would be. From a physical perspective I feel like my immune system took a real bashing, I didn’t really feel well for 8 months. Nothing life threatening or worrying in a serious medical sense, just a general feeling of unwell, which slowly but sure grinds you down. Then there were my pelvic problems, which were managed well up until around 35 weeks through regular visits to the osteopath. However, the sheer size of me from 35 weeks made the pain constant and at times utterly unbearable. People with chronic pain should not be under estimated, they are stronger and more brave than you can imagine.
I have been challenged emotionally more than I could have thought. The pregnancy at the beginning was blighted with thoughts that I didn’t deserve it, and thus something was going to go wrong. I think I am acutely aware of how lucky (lucky? Maybe wrong word. Fortunate? I don’t know) Chris and I are to have not had any problems conceiving. I know I am very grateful for this. But I did feel guilty – did I deserve another child? I know the world doesn’t work like that. But still, i felt bad. Then crept in my biggest fear: could I love another child? Is it possible to love another child with the deep love I have for Joni? Lots of people reassured me it was, but actually – up until Friday morning – I believed that I was broken and I couldn’t really love another baby. I felt so sad that this baby wouldn’t be loved.
Chris and I battled through my emotions, pain and hormones and got to Friday morning. And on Friday the most spectacular thing happened. So wonderful in fact that I’m going to write about it separately in another post. Our baby boy was born. At 11:13am weighing 8lbs 3ozs. He was born and, like the cliches say, every thing melted away. All the pain and all my fears. It turns out all those people who told me that my heart could grow exponentially were right. The birth of our son, the result of 9 months of seriously hard work, has definitely changed me deep inside.
We are a family of four. I have childREN. Joni is a sister.
Of course, I think about the next few months and wonder WHAT ON EARTH?! How does this work?!!! But we’ll find our way. I am confident, for the first time, that us four will find a way – together.
I’m really looking forward to writing down the story of Wilbur’s birth and the journey we took to get there after the traumatic entrance that Joni made. I want to do this justice though so I will save it for another time.
In the mean time – here are some photos of our first 48 hours together, before we leave hospital this morning.