Something has been preying on my mind recently. I think it’s about identity – you know, who I am, where I’m from and where I’m going.
I met up with a lovely friend this recently, we made friends at university and played a lot of netball together after that (and drunk a lot of wine). We were talking about life and how important work should be. The university we went to, others may be the same, really emphasised the importance of work, your career and being successful at it. Especially if your work earned you lots of money or power. I felt that whole place was geared towards getting a job in the city and if you didn’t want to do that … Then that was weird. Well, maybe that was my insecurity – but it certainly was how I felt. Which means that as far as my university might be concerned I, so far, have failed.
Obviously I know this isn’t true. I’ve had a job that I really enjoyed, one that I enjoyed a lot less but that allowed me to have my family and move out of London. But where does this leave me?
I don’t fit in with my peers. I don’t know anyone else from university who is married or has children. The people I used to know can still afford nice clothes, holidays, houses. I don’t feel sorry that I can’t, I wouldn’t swop with them. But it does highlight a difference.
When people ask me how I am I don’t know what to say. All I want to tell them is that Joni met a little boy at the childminders today called Owen and he was ok with Joni cuddling him, and she’s so cute when she’s brushing her teeth, and she can nearly say so many words … And on and on and on.
Now, I really am not having a pity party here. I have great friends who do have children, my lovely family and wonderful husband. We live in a lovely town and it feels good. I feel free to work in a field I want to work in, different from before. I just sometimes feel different … Like I don’t fit in with the people I used to any more or something, know what I mean?