I cannot begin to imagine what it is like to lose a baby. The torture, the heartbreak and the what if? Miscarriage and still birth are the most scary thought to me. The fear doesn’t change with a second pregnancy, for some reason I thought it would.
I’ve never experienced loss in this way. I don’t know what it is like to plan for a future that is so cruelly taken away from you.
So for me it’s pretty easy to choose to be positive – I can chosen to believe that this baby inside me will live a long and happy life after I have carried it. Making that choice after loss must be almost impossible? Even though I do get worried and have even felt that it’s unfair that I’m pregnant again, with no issues getting pregnant and, so far, regular pregnancies.
This pregnancy has brought up many fearful emotions in me, I think I’m going to talk to the midwife or GP about it – I have a feeling it’s related to fear of birth, but I keep having scary dreams and worrying about Joni a lot more than usual. In fact, I’m going to go and check on her now.
My mum works in antenatal screening, as a midwife. Her job is tough. She is the person who will tell you at your scan that abnormalities have been found. She is the person’s face who you will remember when your world falls apart. I can’t imagine doing her job – I think some days are pretty difficult, but no way near as difficult as they are for the parents she’s dealing with.
So, to all the those parents who have experienced the horror of miscarriage and still birth I would like to say that you are incredible, strong and I have so much respect for you. I don’t know how you get through it, deal with it and live with it – but you do and you are inspiring.
Now, for a good – peaceful – sleep (fingers crossed)