As Joni’s birthday approaches I have been thinking more than usual about her birth. Normally I dream about it a few times each month and think about it every day. This week I’ve dreamt about it every night and at times felt quite panicky during the day.
When thinking about having another baby I veer wildly between 100% wanting an elective section and then thinking that I could do a natural birth. With conditions – like if I could refuse instrumental intervention and continual monitoring and was no where near a bed. Or pethadine. Most importantly I am definitely going to a different hospital.
Anyway, that’s not relevant.
What is important is that I think I have some sort of post traumatic stress and I am feeling ready to deal with it.
Not really sure what that means but I’ve started by requesting my notes from the old hospital and I might find someone who can talk through them with me and try to make sense of it all.
This is the first photo I took of my gorgeous girl after that horrific experience
And here’s a photo showing some of the damage to her head caused by negligent clinical decision making:
By the way – my experience was a lot more traumatic than most of the births I’ve read about and heard from friends about. It’s also not as bad as it could have been, obviously it could have been a lot worse if either of us were permanently damaged.
There are some amazing and beautiful birth stories out there. And I know lots of people who had really positive times (amongst the pain etc!) so there is hope for next time.